Thursday 20th March

Disappointment

The milk was off this morning.  I lunged somewhat desperately for my morning coffee only to find it had a horrid sour taste.  Uugggh.  It might seem trivial  ( well, it IS trivial)  but you have no idea how much I look forward to my morning cuppa!   And then Josh is off school sick.  He has been throwing up for four days poor wee soul.  But it means that all my plans for the week have had to change.  Which is annoying cos .... well cos none of us cope too well with plans having to change at the last minute do we?  Even if its just a plan to go and do the supermarket shop!

About seven or eight years ago I was standing at the ironing board ploughing my way through an endless mountain of shirts and school trousers when I suddenly burst into tears.  I was overwhelmed by misery and despair and I just didnt know what was wrong.  I remember distinctly saying out loud ' God what  on earth is the matter with me?!  '   And instantly the answer came back '  You are disappointed'
That brought me up short.  Because of course He was right.  When I stopped to think about it I was crushed by the disappointment of my whole life.  Here I was, in my early forties stuck behind an ironing board for the rest of my life.  When I was twenty I was going to change the world.  Well, perhaps not, but I was at least going to be HAPPY !   At twenty when I looked forward I saw purpose and fruitfulness and security.  I was going to do something great for God.  I was going to have a blissfully happy marriage and parenthood was going to be fun and fulfilling.   Ah yes.  How we dream.   And here I was twenty years later realising that not only did it not happen, but that it would now never happen.   I think that was the most crushing part.  The acknowledgement that something was over.  The chance for something was over.  The chance to realise all those possibilities was gone and I was stuck here doing this.  Forever

God spoke to me again.  Clearly.  He cut across the monologue of self pity and said  ' Caz (I always know He is dead serious when He calls me by name )  I am not a God of disappointment '

Oh.   OK.  I guess thats true.   So.......

So the obvious conclusion is that if God does not disappoint then my expectations must have been faulty from the start.   The reason I was so gutted at the way my life looked at that time was because I had expected it to be radically different.   And my expectations were based on what?   On what God had told me?  No.   On my own dreams and schemes and imaginings.  Yes.

It is only possible to be disappointed if you expect something.  Sometimes people let us down - we expect them to be decent and kind and fair and reasonable and sometimes they just arent.   Sometimes things dont go our way - we think we are going to get the job, the house, the baby and we dont.  We are more than disappointed - we are devastated.  But God is not a God of disappointment.  He doesnt set out to send us down dead end roads.  He does not delight in our heartbreak.  He wants to direct our paths in ways of peace and righteousness. He wants to whisper in our ears ' this is the way walk in it'.

Lord,  I recognise that I sometimes run ahead of You into places You are not going.  I know that at times my own dreams and hopes have led me to be disappointed - even crushed.   Please help me to walk in step with You.  To hear Your voice and have realistic expectations.   I pray today for all my friends who are dealing with difficult situations where things have not turned out as they hoped or expected.  Remind them that they are in a battle but that You have won the war.  That you are with them to bring them hope and not to disappoint.  Thank you for Your great kindness    Amen